The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

i hope all is well with all of YOU

I close the door and lock it.

I rebuild the wall and make it high.

No need for windows.

Dont you DARE ask me why.



You can just forget all about it.

You wont have any trouble.

I think you've already started.

As I sit among the rubble.



I almost have it dark enough now.

Blocking out the light.

This is how I like it.

My own perpetual night.



I should have known better.

To let the first wall come down.

This one is higher, wider, stronger.

And this time, goes all the way around.



How did that saying go?

Some walls aren't built to keep people out,

But to see who cares enough to tear them down.

Guess we found out.



Blow out the last candle.

The door is closed and locked.

Now if I could just keep

All the memories blocked.



tracyelynne --- Nov. 2007

holly and i went to nannys this morning .. and juuuust before we got there .. we found a puppy running down the middle of the road.... TOWARDS the truck ...



shes sooooooo cuuuuuuuuuuute.. not long off her mother cuz she still has puppy breath .aww..



shes black and gold STRIPED like a tiger... and of course... Holly has named her TIGGER hahaha



she looks like she MIGHT have some PIT in her though . and i have a phobia .. lol ...



but shes soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuue !!!!

*sigh*



as it creeps into my line of sight

i try to hide from it

damn its smart

it already knows all my best hiding spots

its chased me for years

and it fucking always wins



it stalks

it waits

it sneaks

it takes over

it leaves me breathless and wanting relief

and it always fucking wins



it makes me bleed

it makes me cry

it makes me run

it makes me scream

it makes me wish above all for death

and it always fucking wins



it stays just out of reach

it hovers over my heart

and at times it even comforts me

and just as i am lulled into a sense of security

it rips away all it has given me

and it always fucking wins



what is it

why is it

its the pain

its the want

its the NEED for more and less

and it always fucking wins



for it always leaves me

alone

tired

scared

without

because it ALWAYS fucking wins

She sits there... waiting.



She's been there before. And chances are great that she will come there again.



Its not her favorite place, no , far from it. In fact its a place she hates above all others.



But she cant seem to stay away.



Sometimes she goes there by herself. Sometimes others bring her.



But somehow, she always ends up there.



Its lonely there, loneliest perhaps on the occasions that she is brought. Its cold, and its dark, and its unforgiving.



Fleeting around her are memories of happier times. Fading in and out like spectors of the past, fleeing her touch when she reaches out a hand to grasp something that might be good if she could just grab ahold of it.



Whispers reach her ears, whispers of laughter and shared dreams, whispers of hopes and fulfillment. But they too are not close enough, and become garbled with the howling winds that prevail thru this place... her place...



So she sits quietly, silent tears rolling down already sodden cheeks, waiting.



She sits and listens to the things she cant quite hear. She sits and watches the things that she can ALMOST see. She sits and feels the things that come close then flit away.



She sits and thinks.



She sits and wishes.



She sits and prays, to any God that might take heed, though she stopped believing in them all ages ago, she still hopes there might be one left somewhere, and that it might decide to hear her for once.



She sits and wonders. Should she accept all the blame? The pain? The horror?



She sits.



She sits.



Sometimes.. though, she finds the strength to stand, to even venture a few steps away ... into the darkness to see if there is something, someone, there, that she cant see.



Her arms outstretched she probes the blackness, occasionally bumping into something and grasping with all her might !! Only to feel it ripped away again, before she ever gets a chance to find out what it was.



Sometimes it seems like she walks forever... but no matter how far she goes.. its never too far away .. this place... her place...



So . she sits..



She waits and she dreams and she hopes and she cries and she sits...



She sits.



Where is she you ask?



She's...... home.

__________________________________











really should put that in my CREATING section . but by the time i realized i hadnt.. i didnt feel like moving it :) lol

yeah ... so what im having a lazy night lol

took alot to write that :)

"Make your eyes twinkle"





"Make a list of your dreams"

*cries a lil*



____________________________________



Quiet Riot singer Kevin DuBrow found dead



Metal legend's body discovered in Las Vegas home

2 hours ago



Kevin DuBrow, frontman of metal legends Quiet Riot was found dead yesterday (November 25) in his Las Vegas home.



The 52 year-old died of as-yet to be determined causes, drummer Frankie Banali said on his website.



Banali's site now bears just the words:



I can't even find words to say. Please respect my privacy as I mourn the passing and honor the memory of my dearest friend Kevin DuBrow.



Chavis Records owner Bill Chavis posted the following message on the label's website



"DuBrow's body was found by friends on Sunday, November 25, in his Las Vegas home. As I mourn his death with a heavy heart, I will remember hearing his voice and the music for the very first time on the radio back in 1983. I will remember all the great music Kevin and Quiet Riot gave to so many of us over the years and I will say, 'Thank you, Kevin. May you rest in peace."



Quiet Riot's 2006 album 'Rehab' was released via Chavis.



The band opened the floodgates for metal music in 1983 when their 'Metal Health' album became the first metal album to get to Number One on the Billboard charts. The album was preceded by a cover of Slade's 'Cum On Feel The Noize' which was recorded grudgingly by the band in just one take.



_______________________________________

from the wrappers off my Dove Chocolates LOL



"Remember your first everything"

(my son said "Thats like wiping before you poop it dont make so sense)(ROFL!!!)



"Test your limits and keep going"



"Whisper in the dark"

another night of weird sleep



ugh



well ... i got some work done for muh VR BOY :) lol

and i did some tweaking on my profile... though the effin TABLE i wanted on there wouldnt work no matter WHAT i did ggrrrrrr...



got the poem up that i found a while back ... thats what i wanted in the table..ggrrr....may have to put it onto an image and raise it to get the affect i want



and OMMFG how boring is this.. im going to bed



ugh

*nods in agreement with The Moonieness*





good FUCKING gawd.... what a cunt !

yes .. 3 fucking 10 am



ugh



im bored

im awake

i cant seem to write tonight

so i made a new sparkly

a way to kill fear off?



can it die or does it have to be buried alive?



or do you just have to deal with it haunting you for the rest of YOUR life whether it dies or not.. ?





*sigh*

its getting close.. time to go eat with the family..



i am anxious to see if micheal and his bitch will have the balls to show up... my first order of business will be to make sure those three boys eat a decent meal... if i have to sit and hand feed all three.. i WILL KNOW that they are going to bed tonight with full tummies.... once thats done ... the claws are coming out and i am putting on my bitching boots.



i have thought and worried and stressed about this all day .. and i have finally come to a final decision and conclusion.



DECISION ... im gonna do it

CONCLUSION ... any member of my family that cops an attitude or gets made at me for defending three neglected and abused little boys... I DONT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT..... these kids own grandfather.. my Uncle Sammy... needs HIS ass kicked too .. for not even calling to CHECK on his grandson that was DUMPED on my mother in the middle of the night with bleeding ears and no clean clothes and NO MEDS for his ear infection.MY MOTHER.. the boys great-aunt... that he has only seen three times in his lil life..... imagine how traumatizing that was for that child!!!



BUT... he was fed a good supper.. he as cuddled and loved and played with for one night .. is was probably one of his better nights in his two little years..



My mom gave him some cherrios to eat as a snack last night . and HE DIDNT KNOW WHAT THEY WERE!!! they had to SHOW that baby how to eat them and that they WERE FOOD...



EGGS for breakfast... same thing ... he didnt know it was food..



i myself havnet seen the boys since LAST CHRISTMAS (they live four-five hours away) .. i hear they all three look like white ethiopian babies....



tonight is NOT gonna be pretty and i am looking forward to it ...



i have anger and hatred and frustration built up over several things . and Micheal and Jennifer are fixing to feel the brunt of ALLLLLLL of it....



stupid fucking morons who dont deserve to breath and propagate



wont part two of this journal entry be fun ???

time to go to bed yet ?



3:03 am KamiTime..



i'll try ....

I HATE..........................................................



people who mistreat and pay NO ATTENTION to their children





that lil Jarrett is hurting





feeling like i cant help





hearing him cry





KNOWING I am gonna cause a scene at the family dinner tomorrow when i snatch his mother up and WHIP HER ASS in front of everyone (wait .. no i DONT hate that one i am looking rather forward to it:)





that Micheal stands by and watches his wife ignore their children and he doesnt even attempt to make up for it





that i cant take those babies away from them and show those poor little boys what it feels like to be loved and to have a mommy that gives a damn





not being really sure HOW i feel





not being able to get away with killing her >;)





insecurity





hopelessness





helplessness





not being enough





waiting for the other show to fall





waiting for something better to come along

isnt it funny...



how a "vision" of yourself can depress the french fried fuck outta ya??



ugh

ya know what i hate?

waking up for no reason after sleeping a lil over and hour . and NOT being able to go back to sleep.



hhmm.. theres a theme for this entry ... things i hate...

totally random and in no special order :)



i hate... people who cant accept that they just ARENT ALWAYS TOP DOG.



i hate... people who think i am stupid.



i hate... when the spaghetti noodles arent cooked long enough



i hate... fucking mice .. literally..



i hate... assholes who shoot dogs (i hope you die you fucker)



i hate... running out of mt dew



i hate... feeling like theres nothing i can do for you



i hate... turning on the radio just in time to hear the last few bars of one of my favorite songs



i hate... when my pillow gets to warm



i hate... wannabes



i hate... people how take my submissiveness as weakness



i hate... limp popcorn



i hate... people who cant take a hint



i hate... everything about you .. OH WAIT .. thats a song n/m :D



i hate... conflicting feelings



i hate... that you live so far away



i hate... that _I_ live so far away



i hate... when a story doesnt come out the way i want it to



i hate... when i wont to write and i cant



i hate... those big red wasps that live in my attic



i hate... coolers that DONT keep shit good and cold



i hate... when my back hurts and my knee doesnt act like its supposed to



i hate... when my heart hurts



i hate... seeing my babies cry



i hate... most people



i hate... not having tv to watch



i hate... living out in the middle of nowhere... sometimes..



i hate... when my back itches and i cant reach it



i hate... SPIDERS !!!! OMFG !!!!! (hears Baroque laffing)



i hate... exs who wont give up



i hate... when your friendslist say YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS



i hate... feeling helpless



i hate... hurting



i hate... missing you



i hate... her



i hate... and HER



i hate... salt



i hate... waking up before the GOOD part of a dream >;)



i hate... doing laundry ACK



i hate... distraction... wait . .. huh?



i hate... losing that "something"



i hate... waiting to hear from someone



i hate... having to say goodbye



i hate... having to pretend its okay when its not



i hate... being ignored



i hate... feeling fourth place



i hate... HER !!!!!!!



i hate... not having someone to snuggle up with when it rains



i hate... not being able to find the fucking phone book



i hate... watching the world go by



i hate... when i am right about bad shit



i hate... nights like tonight



i hate... self doubt



i hate... stagnation



i hate... wishing things were different



i hate... thinking too much



i hate... writing so long that you get auto-logged-out of VR ! lmfao



i hate... when my dog needs to go out when i am writing!! sheeessshhh brb



i REALLY hate... when its cold and raining when yer dog has to go out!!! bbbrrrrr



i hate... that there are somethings that i cant say here



i hate... that i KNOW i am not gonna be able to sleep with i sign out



i hate... TYPOS !!! lmfao



i hate... getting excited about something only to be disappointed in the end



i hate... when its over and i'm not ready



i hate... that i am getting tired of doing these lol



i hate... him



i hate... myself for loving you ... oh WAIT !! thats a song too >;P hahaha . omg but i LOOOOOOVEEEEE JOAN JETT !!!!



i hate... knowing that i am about to lay down for no reason lol



i hate... hoping things are gonna work and and feeling like they arent



i hate... NO CHOCOLATE !!!!



i hate... holidays



i hate... happy people



i hate... being ALONE for the holidays



i hate... it.. but i am gonna stop now :)

theres a song on the radio ...

sure sounds like bon jovi ...



seems the name of it might be

"You Wanna MaKe A Memory"



Jon always WAS able to write songs that tear my heart out...



AND YES ... the DJ just told ... lol i was right :) I know my JonBon lol



life sucks ...

hows that for a journal entry ?

ffs..



thats all just FFS !!



anything else i could say wouldnt matter ANY WAY ..



so



FOR FUCKS SAKE.....

good gawd .... !!!



this is long ... but it IS worth the chuckle i think ...

*sigh*

and let me know dear readers with a message if you would lol what you think of how i handled this situation ... good or bad .... I'd like to hear what you think :)

BELIEVE ME.. i was restrained in my last response to him .. it was VERY HARD ... to keep from telling him exactly what I was thinking and feeling LOL....



I hate to do this to you ... but start at the bottom ...



___________________________________________________________________________

MY LAST LETTER TO HIM

first you said ..."yes it went threw an it's long and im not gone take the time to read all that BS"





then you said

"blaa blaa spare me the detales yes there is deseicsen to make i have every rt to decide ware im going & ware im not going if i were you dont piss me off or make me angry ima highly skilled ninja samuri my sensay even said so plus im highly trained in weaponedy"



the first line . we wont bother with... except for the fact that i assume you dont know how to spell BULLSHIT any better than you spell in the second line.. does your spell check work ??



Now... the second line ... NO you DONT have the RIGHT to decide... FORCED INDUCTION ... means i DONT HAVE TO ASK YOU . if you have any doubts about that what so ever.. i suggest you YOURSELF message Cancer and ask him .. and i will REVEL in reading about you in his journal :)



I have copied for you ... as you seem UNABLE yourself to read the VR MANUAL.... EXACTLY what CANCER has to say about induction ... read carefully and slowly hun so it sinks in ..



"The Society System

Induction





Induction into any House or Coven is forced. You do not have a choice as to whether or not you will be a member of a House/Coven. An exception to this rule are members who hold the rank of Sire. A Sire cannot be forcibly inducted. A Sire can join any House/Coven (with the Master's permission) and leave any House/Coven at any time. A Sire can also start their own Coven.



Your Master can sell or trade you to another House/Coven. You do not have a choice if you will be sold or traded."



AND JUST IN CASE .. you still have doubts and think that you happen to be special ... here is a LINK to that same page ..





VR MANUAL FORCED INDUCTIONS





Does your sen say know you dont know how to SPELL SAMURAI?? or WEAPONRY?? or details, or decision or where or even BLAH???



Highly skilled i am properly impressed AND scared!! Are you so properly skilled that you can see through your computer screen and find out where i live and come use all your weaponry skills on me? ... Guess its a good thing you are now BLINDED isnt it :) and if i have my way . you will remain that way for a LOOOOOOONG time... wait . should i explain to you what being blinded means?.. oh ... no i forget how skilled you are. i am sure you understand it :)



And your chances of EVER getting out of OIV?... slimmer and slimmer....



___________________________________________________________________________





FROM: Insanity666



blaa blaa spare me the detales yes there is deseicsen to make i have every rt to decide ware im going & ware im not going if i were you dont piss me off or make me angry ima highly skilled ninja samuri my sensay even said so plus im highly trained in weaponedy



On 15:37:02 Nov 16 2007 KamarillaKaine wrote:



*sigh*



for one he doesnt have to be online for you to drop him a message.... for another if she is his wife to be SHE talks to him surely and she can explain to him whats going on and for another she can give you the name of his coven AGAIN and you can easily go into thier pages and find out the name of an Assistant Coven Master to deal with if the Master isnt online much



i am dealing with you as i would anyone with the same situation .. its not that i want YOU so badly in the coven dear... i would react the same way with anyone.. and you ARE in the coven ... no decisions to be made...



Whats in it for you?... hhmmm a great bunch of folks that YOU havent even given a chance yet ... an easy laid back coven that doesnt ask for ridiculous things like a certain number of forum posts or high favor per week ... a chance to belong to a GOOD COVEN HOME.....



I have already said once ... i am/was well within my rights to induct you without asking its called FORCED INDUCTIONS and its something that CANCER himself has given Coven/House Masters and Assistant Masters the power to do .. thats just how it is dear .. and its not to be undone ...



In my last message to you i said ..

"I am NOT going to release you, not at the moment at least. Look at it this way . if i release you RIGHT NOW.. another coven may snatch you up that WOULDNT release you if and when your friends almost hubby decides to let you in."



That still stands ... as does ...

"I will release you when a deal is made with your friends almost hubby. Contact him, and tell him that you want to join him. Tell him that your coven is willing to trade or "sell" you for favor outright, and then him to contact CountessMoon, or KamarillaKaine of The Coven of Odyssée Infinie de Vitalité, and we will trade you STRAIGHT into his coven ... and you wont have to worry about someone getting you that might NOT let you out"



Talk to your friend again... and find out her soon to be hubbys name.... until then and until a deal is made for your trade. to HIM or WHOEVER.... you ARE GOING TO REMAIN a member of OIV ... and you're pushing getting blinded lol





Kami



On 15:22:03 Nov 16 2007 Insanity666 wrote:



i dont know the name of his coven i dont even hardly see him on line his soon to be wife she had told me that he's on line in the mornings... so i said to her that i leave in the mornings for work....besides may i ask you kami why you want be so badly in your coven whats in it for me i still havent made my mind up yet is to if i want to join yet



On 06:23:21 Nov 16 2007 KamarillaKaine wrote:



*sigh*



okay .. heres what i will do ...

you're IN OIV ....fully within the rules of induction set by The Prince himself. I dont have to be nice .. lol .. but i will ..



I am NOT going to release you, not at the moment at least. Look at it this way . if i release you RIGHT NOW.. another coven may snatch you up that WOULDNT release you if and when your friends almost hubby decides to let you in.



THAT .. i am willing to do ...



I will release you when a deal is made with your friends almost hubby. Contact him, and tell him that you want to join him. Tell him that your coven is willing to trade or "sell" you for favor outright, and then him to contact CountessMoon, or KamarillaKaine of The Coven of Odyssée Infinie de Vitalité, and we will trade you STRAIGHT into his coven ... and you wont have to worry about someone getting you that might NOT let you out ..



And if you will tell me the name of his coven .. i will contact him also .....





Siempre'

Kami



On 06:06:28 Nov 16 2007 Insanity666 wrote:



its not that uumm i have a friend that has a soon to be hubby she gave me his vr name she wants me to talk to him about joining his coven and i said to her that i would give it some thaught and she said ok thats fine...



On 05:57:08 Nov 16 2007 KamarillaKaine wrote:



the first message i sent you was a WELCOME TO OIV message .. you were inducted when i sent that first message ...



VR has what is called FORCED INDUCTIONS ... as soon as you reach level five (or are turned out of the coven you were in .... in your case) ... you are up for induction into ANY COVEN or HOUSE that wants to induct you. Thats just how it works :)



If you give OIV a chance i think you will like us .. but . should you choose NOT to stay with us you can certainly start looking into other covens and houses, and when you find one you would rather go to and they want you also .. i will negotiate a trade ...



why dont you go into our coven pages and do some reading . as i said i think you will like us if you'll just give us a chance :)



Siempre'

Kami



On 05:47:10 Nov 16 2007 Insanity666 wrote:



what how is that possable i didnt give you my aswer yet how can i be inducked all ready what the hell geees give me a chance to at least think about it



On 05:42:06 Nov 16 2007 KamarillaKaine wrote:



sweetie .. you ARE ALREADY a member :)

you were just inducted :)



On 05:40:38 Nov 16 2007 Insanity666 wrote:



well kami i think i shall give it some thaught and get back to you on my decideing thuoght im only a LVL 5 im afraid if i join a coven that i'll get kicked out ...considering that i was in a covon befor and didnt know that i was even in one the reson that what had happen was my rateiing was to low wich i think is stuppid...like i said i'll give it some thaught and thnx for the invite and info



On 05:29:55 Nov 16 2007 KamarillaKaine wrote:



hi :)

My name is Kami and I would like to welcome you to The Coven of Odyssée Infinie de Vitalité :)



I'd like to encourage you to visit our covens main page (theres a link now to the coven on the right side of your screen) and read our few rules ... the most important being a minimum of 15 favor points a week earned (not hard at ALL to do :)

And also to visit our coven forum (link at top of coven main page) .. and post an introduction to everyone in the FAMILIARIZING OURSELVES thread :)



I think you will find us a fun group, a lil crazy at times and FAR from boring :)



Feel free to message me at any time should you have any questions, have any problems, or need ANYTHING at all :)



again .. welcome to OIV !!!!





Kami :)

Assistant Coven Master



__________________________________________________________________________________





AGAIN dear readers . i apologize for the length ... but to get the full spectrum of the thing lol you needed it all :)



_____________________________________________





LATER EDIT ....



a message sent to me by a friend after reading this journal entry ...



Kami,



O-M-G ! That was SOOO funny. My dear you were very patient and kind. You are now Saint Kami....Patron of ACM's everywhere...lol. What an idiot and now a blind idiot...hahaha.







BLESS YOU MY SON... you may kiss my ring :)



*falls off the couch laffin*

_________________________________________



another later edit ....



CorruptMe says ....





What a tard...you should have said well my almost lesbian lover will reign all hell down on you and your imaginary coven!

----------------------

THEN she said ....



He reminds me of a five year old boy who stands in the mirror wearing underoos and does his best arnold schwarzenegger impression! Seriously he gets the first *virtual smack* of the day!

_____________________





ALMOST ?!???!?!?!.. oh yeah ... i get it secret sshhhhh >;)



_______________________________________

later still edit ...



awwww.... insanity666 now sits on display in the HALL OF THE DAMNED....



line forms to the left folks .. you want him .. he can be YOURS .. for a small fee and shipping and handling costs :)

yay im climbing sloooowly but surely :) :)





i have been at 50% of level 20 .. well since i GOT to level 20 ..



tonight i got to 70000 pages veiwed (thanks Sonn *tosses him a beer*) ..... and LOOKIE !!!!!







Your Status: Changeling (Level 20)



You have completed 81% of this level.



Pages Viewed Score: 20 x .30 = 6

Time Spent Score: 24 x .50 = 12

Ratings Score: 13 x .10 = 1.3

Posts Score: 11 x .10 = 1.1

Score: 20.4

Referral Points: 0

Referral Modifier: 1

Mark Bonus: 2%

Mark Modifier: 1.02

Total Score: 20.4







Welcome KamarillaKaine



Your Status:

Changeling



Pages Viewed:

70009



Time Spent:

31.07 days



You have completed

81% of this level.



[ Update Your Status ]







yayness !!!

what an odd mood i find myself in ...



upon listening (reading?) about the relationship of a friend... i find myself.. i dont know .. melancholy?



wistful ..

wishful

not all that hopeful?



it should have been an inspiring story really .... and it was of sorts ... it made me feel better... for the rest of the world... just not myself....



*sigh*



what is there .... really ... out there for me?

will i EVER find it?

will it ever find ME?





im just so tired...

okay...

i need to vent :)

promise me you'll love me when its done journal !!





AAARRRRRRGRGGGGGGGGG !!!!





okay...

now that THAT part is over...



people... its called FORCED INDUCTIONS ..



FORCED...

to put or impose (something or someone) forcibly on or upon a person.........

to compel by force; overcome the resistance of: to force acceptance of something..........

to obtain or draw forth by or as if by force

to use force upon



GET IT ?





Now ... let me explain EVEN FURTHER !!!



If I ... as an Assistant Coven Master ... chose to induct someone without asking him/her first.... I am WELL WITHIN MY RIGHTS .. as bestowed upon Coven Masters and Assistants.. by The Prince Cancer Himself :)



Hey .. I am nice about it :)

I induct then i IMMEDIATELY send a welcome message and invite you to head into the coven area to join into our Coven Forums and to start getting to know your new coven mates .



I DO NOT like to be questioned :) . and i REALLY DO NOT like to be asked HOW CAN YOU DO THAT I DIDNT SAY YES... (scroll up and start reading this entry all over again if that went over your head :)



AND STILL !! I am nice about it :)

At first.. you will just have to face it you are now a member of OIV :) .... BUT .. should you decide you dont wanna stay..... we arent gonna tie you to a chair and KEEP YOU .. but we arent gonna just turn you loose either ... you want out? you gotta work for it ... find yourself another coven .. and see if they want you .. and IF they do ... then that Coven Master or an Assistant can contact Moonie, Sonn, or myself, and negotiations will begin. Mayhaps we will trade you for another member .. or possibly a straight up BUY OUT for favor.. but should your chosen coven want you bad enough ... you have nothing to worry about :)



Now... I'm gonna smoke one more cigarette and go to DAMN BED :)



Siempre'

Kami

if i should really start taking the sleeping meds again.



its raining again this morning ... i wish it would put me back in the mood to write ..



i feel YUCKY this morning... ... ...



i wish i hadnt missed getting to talk to B on here this morning .. we didnt get much chance to talk yesterday.. except for a little while early this morning





hhmm .. its gonna be another long BLAH day i think

OMG !



so i got a wild hair up my ass and decided to try to call in tonight to Coast To Coast (google it if ya dont know lol)



ANYYYYYYYYYYyway ... I GOT THRU !!!



i actually got to talk to TOM the infamous call screener i have heard George talk to so many times lol



WhAT a FLIRT !!!! hahaha he asked my name and i told him and he said "OOOOOooooo youre from the South Tracye . I LIKE Southern girls" hhhhhahahah

and he asked how old i was and lmfao did i like younger men hahahhahhaha sheessshh



i told him that i had really called to talk to George lol and he laffed and said "ok ok ok . cant blame a guy for trying .. what would you like to talk to George about tonight?"



i told him and he went into this blah blah blahl about how they were almost out of time for callers but that he wanted to hear me talk some more lol so he was gonna bump me up to the front ... but it all depended on how long George stayed with the caller before me . and that if the computer cut me off to please call back during open lines later lol..



and of course....



the computer did cut me off as George stayed with that caller up until the bumpermusic started...



HEY !! thats why they call it bumper music lmmfao .. cuz when it comes on .. SOMEBODY gets bumped off the line :(



just my luck ... story of my fucking life.. get right within grabbing distance of something i want... get teased with it and sometimes even get to touch it ...

but just when i get comfortable with the idea that i am REALLY GONNA GET IT THIS TIME.. it gets jerked away from me ...



yeah i know.... stupid thing to compare my entire life to... but by gawd .. if the analogy FITS .. wear the mutherfucker ....



and it fits... sadly.... . it fits perfectly





and i dunno how much more i can ... NOR WANT ... to watch getting jerked away at the last minute

i made my first induction tonight .. and i am really pleased with She :) bless her lil heart lol she seems to be a kick ass person and a sweetheart to boot :) and way excited about getting into OIV and doing some work on her prof i have every intention of helping her out any way i can.. andi really enjoy talking to her ....



its SOOOOOOO nice to meet someone her age that you CAN CARRY ON an intelligent conversation with lol

I'm glad Wolf showed me her profile ...



didnt get the writing done that i wanted to .. but did get a few notes made about things i want in the story ..



got asked if i was a member of the biddy crew :)

that gave me a big smile :)

*sigh* maybe someday









so why dont i feel better?

it wasnt a bad day

it just wasnt a good day



what IS

a good day ..

its been a while ...

Brahms ... yes i said Brahms ..



its raining here .. and i am listening to classical music on the radio .. its put my in quite the gothic mood :)



i have started my next story .. and since i am in said gothic mood, its set a few years in the past lol



the day started off with quite a headache for me, but a percogesic and a meal and a nap later .. i feel much better :) (and yes percogesic is legal its an OTC painmed lol)



the rain has slacked but it iS still raining we need it bad .. i wonder if kaliga is out playing in it lol

im still rather full with ideas for the next story, and still rather shocked at myself for the last LOL !!! and no journal lol you still arent gonna get to be privy to that one ! .. though i have seen MUCH WORSE here on vr in the journals of others ... i just.. cant seem to bring myself to put it up here :) Suffice to say that i am rather proud of it :)



the story brewing in my mind now IS a vamp story ... but as of yet it is NOT part of Dark Savior .. though i can see a possibility for it to be worked INTO it ...





i missed talking to B last night ..

im a lil scared again ... but .. what can i do?

not

a

fucking

thing

and i think i may have to go take a cold shower



whew



damn



and no LOLOLOL ... i DONT think i will be posting it up in here .. haha .. sorry dear journal but i think even YOU might think a lil less of me should you read it :)



but DAYUM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



now .. on to write a vampire story for my friend Angelus >;[ lol

another lol for a TOTALLY different reason ...



this one is YOUR fault Angelus lol





AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

GGGGGGGGGGGGGGG







lmfao

and letting the story rest for a while...



i find myself at a point in it where i need to bring more imagery and description to it . and as this is my weak point .. *sigh* its not easy for me ..



youd think lol it being "erotica" .. it wouldnt be that hard to do ... (eeps no pun intended *falls over*)



AND





AAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR

RRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG







okay

sorry

i needed to do that

:)

i really gotta to try and do something with these wierd sleep patterns lmfao



been up this morning since around 4... ugh



had a great fone call with B last night ...that was nice..



dont have any real plans for today .. got my gmail cleaned out and ready to start getting more images ... have my latest story pulled up on word and am staring at it .. damn thing isnt writing itself though grrrrr lol



ummm.. im heating up stuffed bellpeppers for breakfast LOL... have i mentioned that there are very few BREAKFAST foods that i like? lol ...

and usually i DONT EAT til on up in the day .. was just on the mood this morning .. for stuffed peppers lol and thats B's fault too LOL !!



i do love you B :)

*yawns and stretches*



hhmmm.... maybe i can go to sleep now ...

talked to B a while ago (pssstt i love you) .. and when we got off the fone .. i wasnt as sleepy as i thought i was .. i came online and TRIED to upload my latest images into PhotoBucket



IT ... is being a bit cuntish this morning lol .. maybe its because of the size of the animated image i was trying to upload... i dunno ... but it pisses me off cuz i REALLY wanted that image on my profile .... as it is i put the none animated version up . but DAMMIT i wanted the spiral one !!!!



okay... tantrum over lol



so yeah . im going back to "couch" soon lol

had a nice fone chat .. thank you B :)



i need to get some writing done ... promises are promises :) . and quite frankly i am looking forward to venturing into the imagery worlds and places my mind allows me to concoct from thin air from time to time . where everyone is perfect in their own way and things work out though maybe not for the good . for the best ... for which ever character i choose to identify with ..



theres imaging to be done for sure . but i have stored the days fodder away in a folder and can return to that at any time ... now the writing is at the forefront ...



*sigh* though other things tug at me and would rather be in front ... trust me stray thoughts ... i would rather you be too ...



i am sure this isnt the last you have heard from me tonight journal ... im pretty sure its to be another sleepless or DAMN near sleepless night ...

so tomorrow my oldest daughter will be *gulp* 24 years old... wow



today we went to town to order her cake (she picked a hippie themed one LOL)



and she lol took ME out to eat for her birthday LOL!

(wel i DID give birth to her lmao)



and this is what my fortune says ....



"Life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think."



i swear .. every time i go there the fortune fits me lol

then really ....

i am going to bed ...

honest ...

here lemme roll it up right quick ....



*inhales sharply*

okay so i will type while i smoke this last one and YES JOURNAL its legal smokeables lmfao ..





its cold in here tonight ..

and lonely ... as always ..

sometimes i really wonder why i bother ..

yes the depression is kicking in ...

*sigh*

i feel ..

i dunno ..

lost?

set up on a shelf and forgotten ........





i hope everyone else is happy about all this ...

i certainly am NOT ..

but then ...

when has that really mattered?

i cant sleep

maybe it was the nap earlier lol

maybe its the combination of sheer DEPRESSION and total EXCITEMENT.. how fucked up is THAT ??

its totally KAMI-FUCKED-UP is what it is lol



as you know journal .. i woke up knowing today was gonna be bad ... and i was totally on target about why also .... and that still tugs at me and tears me up .. even with re-assurance i just am so scared ... these things never .. work out ...



outta sight outta mind ...

here we go ..



isnt that what i said earlier journal?

i was right there too... i've already been put outta sight ... all thats left is outta mind ...........



then .. there was my story and Angelus liked it !!!

that .. was a GOOD thing :) as much as i ENJOY reading his material .. it means VOLUMNS (no pun intended) to me that he liked mine .. he even commented on a couple of my poems ...

its wonderful to have someone whos work you admire SO MUCH .. like yours in return :)



I already have in mind another TWO stories !!!

i KNOW !! amazing isnt it? *giggles*

One i plan on writing for Neil .... i have a WICKED character in mind for him *grins mischieviously*

Another for a BLAST FROM THE PAST friend that popped in outta no where today .. he's been having dreams actually .. of being a vampire ... and one of them he described to me gave me a great idea for a story !! and with his permission i will be using his name in it also ..



AND THEN !!!!!

*faints again from the WOWNESS* ...

Moonie's decision to hump me up to ACM ..

i am still in shock lol

i was just proud to be in her COVEN .. then she popped a few titles on me and THAT in itself was amazing .. and now this .. WHOA WOW DANG ...

it was more than JUST a nice spot in a fucked up day ... it was/is .. something i will never forget ...

HA . and of course the whole STUPIDITY thing of me NOT seeing it on the STAFF list lmfao ... *smacks self on forehead* .. sheesshhhhh..........



its 2:32 am right now as i type this . i KNOW i needa go to bed . errmm couch ....

CoastToCoast is on and has been for a while and i really do enjoy listening to it ...



but

i hate going to sleep without having heard you ...

guess thats something else i will have to get used to

what a FUCKING night

i shant even go INTO what happened after Gyps second visit ... as even YOU dont wanna hear about it Journal..



but this morning was better....

i awoke to a message from B here on VR :)

short but sweet..



and just under that a message from Neil that our story was up and ready to be read !!!



IM FAMOUS !! lol...

thank you Neil . its a GREAT STORY and i love it :) :) :)



and to any one who might wanna read it ... (i highly suggest it *giggles* )





AN AMERICAN IN ASPIC

*sigh*



i am about ready to give up

how MANY times can you tell someone something and them NOT understand...



are you that BLIND??

i mean SHIT... does what i think and how i feel mean NOTHING TO YOU ??



i mean i KNOW it never used to but i THOUGHT maybe things had changed .. that maybe you realized that I had changed after.... the last time



i cant even be as angry as i was last time.. i cant rant or rave or even RELEASE it in any way .. its just.. i dont know .... impossible to deal with



talking to you does NO GOOD .. just as it always did . what i say how i feel and what i think.. still goes in one ear and out the other ...



others were always more important...

go to them NOW

leave me ALONE

I DONT WANT YOU ANY MORE

you killed that when you did what you did ....

oh it WAS a looooong lingering death....

but it is NOW....officially........ DEAD AND BURIED

its OVER

face it

i did

i just had to face it before you did



its never easy to watch a dream die...

i still hurt about it from time to time....

still wonder why i wasnt good enough ..

i worked HARD to be what i thought you wanted

what you SAID you wanted....

and it was never good enough

you eyes, your heart, your mind and your very ATTENTION ... was always somewhere else...



i hope after tonight ... you KNOW theres no chance

i hope after tonight .. i will NEVER BELIEVE a word you ever say ...

and i hope after tonight you realize that its all YOUR FAULT... i am TIRED of carrying all the blame

i gave up on you honestly .. a long time ago ...

its TIME FOR YOU TO GIVE UP ON ME ...

i loved you SO MUCH ..

now... i actually feel sorry for you....



you WERE pitiful tonight

it was hard to hear you cry

that strong man with such strong hands i used to long to feel on my skin.... crying .... begging... pleading for just one more chance...

i NEVER thought i would see that ..

and it did make me hurt for you ..



BUT

i cant give you that .. its too late....



doesnt it SUCK to realize that someone you love .

DOESNT LOVE YOU BACK?



you should have learned your lesson with your jennifer.... you should have kept that in mind when you had me... and you did .. heart and soul..

thats why its SO DEAD NOW ...



i'll never love anyone like i loved you ... THANK GAWD ... i will NEVER let someone elses SHIT . turn ME TO SHIT ....



i will never give as much of myself... cuz it was TOO HARD TO GET BACK ..



so if nothing else .. you can be proud of the legacy you left me with ..... torn and tattered... bitter and scorned... empty and lost ...



but i came thru it

i came thru it without you and i DONT WANT YOU BACK NOW .... so please... i told you tonight and i repeat the words here like you could read them ..



DONT COME BACK ... i DONT LOVE OR EVEN DESIRE YOu ... any more.



that shocked you didnt it ?

that i said no to JUST ONE MORE NIGHT TOGETHER...

im not like you .. i need it to mean something



i cant even hate you after tonight...

its just pity thats left ...

i feel sorry for you because YOU could have had ME... and you fucked up ...

i was and probably always will be the BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED to you ... lol your words.. not mine .... but yah know what...



I FUCKING AGREE...



and you lost it



i know how that feels



to lose something you want



i hope it sunk in tonight....

you left promising you wouldnt return

that you would leave me to the life i was building without you... please dont let that be just another of your lies .. like when you told me you loved me

like when you told me you had been faithful for three years. like when you told me you wanted us to stay together and make each others dreams come true ..



those lies were bad enough ...





i loved you so much

its gone

i hope you are

well i say UGH lol!

Thanksgiving is just RIGHT DAMN AROUND the corner, and well holidays and I dont exactly GEE-HAW. .Then Xmas. UUGGGGGGGHHHHHxinfinity!!!



I just really need to NOT think about all that right now lol..



in FOUR DAYS, my Holly will be 24 years old ... my gawd... that is SO unfathomable!!



I remember when she was three, and we lived in Columbiana. She and I had stopped at Jacks, and had went inside to eat, and upon getting ready to go she wasnt thru with her drink yet, so of course, we brought it with us. We got into the truck and i strapped her in and we took off for home. After a lil while Holly said "Are yah firsty momma> Wanna sip-uh me coke?" lol so i said SURE and she started to hand it over and then QUITE SUDDENLY jerked it away and said

"OH NO NEVERMIND.... i forgot.... you're not supposed to drink and drive!"



ROFLMAO !! sheeesshhhh kids... lol

so unreal that shes about to be 24... *glances in mirror at all the gray starting to appear* .. then again lol maybe NOT so unfathomable LOL



lately ... i dunno ... though some issues in my life seem to have been settled . as par for the course something new always pop up to replace quelled fears. I myself am rather proud of how i am handling this one... and as ALWAYS ... i am looked at as.. over-reacting and stupid about it lol *cocks eyebrow at you* YES i know stupid as a word has not been used ... but we both know what you think lol



too many coincidences make .. NOT a coincidence at all ... and that my dear is my experience in life.. i cant change what i have learned in MY 41 years here



onto happier things... i have re-started my sleeping membership in the PSP group that i enjoyed the most . and am pretty sure i am ready to REALLY get started back in all that ..



i have a few more ideas for DarkSavior

(thanks AGAIN Neil:)

and am looking even more forward to working further on that and other writing projects

Speaking of Sir Neil *giggle* ... he shares a birthday with my Holly !!! how awesome is that ??

i MUST make him something fabulous for his bday!



but today ... i dunno ... my EYEORE cloud is a lil darker than usual... maybe it was last night ... and maybe it will lighten up as the day goes on... maybe





thanks for noticing me *said in best eyeore voice*





*****************************************

later edit



LMFAO !!!

speaking of holly she just pulled up in my yard.

I stepped out on to my porch and instead of rolling down her passenger side FRONT window, she rolled down her passenger side BACK window... and as the very tinted glass eased down i was greeted with AVA's sweet lil smile and she was squealing and waving her lil ass off LOL !!!

Holly said she was just about to turn into HER driveway when Ava piped up "Will you take me to see what TWACEE is doing??" lol so of course she said yes and headed down here.. and then just before they got to my house Ava had said

"Because YOU dont know the inGWEEdients for the best FWESH tea and TWACEE does and she might come make me some if we go see her"



ROFLMFGDAO !!!

dammmit i love that lil kid lmfao



she unbuckled her car seat strap so she could stick up her leg and show me that she had on her MOO COW pajamas lmfao "BUT my shiwrt doesnt match iit be cawse my mommy forgot to wash the MOO COW shiwrt" hhhhhhhhhahahahahh ....



i hope Ava handles the new baby well when it gets here lol shes SO USED to being the only one! I think Jamie is due in Mid-March ... when i saw her the other day she certainly was showing lol...



and again .. i had a lil twinge of "damn i cant have babies any more"..



its not that i could HANDLE another one lmfao .. its just.. i dunno sad that i couldnt if i wanted to...



SSSSOOOOOoooooo today for lunch . i have an order for FWESH TEA to fill hahahahha . and it will give me something to do with ALLLL that chili that i made yesterday ! LOL....



fwesh tea from Twacee . lol DAMN i luff that kid hahahhahaha

isnt funny how .. sometimes something can happen and just ... change things??



someone has sparked something in me that, though it has ALWAYS been here, it just never had a reason to . well .. SPARK LOL ...



hhmmm should i call it . inspiration? encouragement?

im not sure



all my LIFE .honestly for as long as i can remember .. i have wanted to write . and write something LONG something memorable (even if only to myself lol) and LAWD KNOWS i have stared many a writing project only to abandon them well before "the end"...

case in point.. the story that i started back in Feb. when all i had was the laptop and no internet access ... DARK SAVIOR (tentatively lol) .. though i would pull it up from time to time and re-read it ... the "WANT TO" to continue with it ... was starting to ebb away .... and then BAM !!!! enter the journal of a WONDERFUL writer... that reminded me how much i DO enjoy working on DS and the escape it gives me.. so i revisited DS, and did my first re-write on the rough draft of the prologue...



and struck up a friendship with the author of the afore-mentioned journal :)



the more he and i talk .. the MORE i want to work .. its odd to try and explain .. but i think that maybe my love of HIS work .. makes me love MY work.. (cocks eyebrow and re-reads that line .. deciding to leave it in)



getting a fresh PERSPECTIVE on my own work .. has helped me immensely... and it didnt hurt that a "future" chapter from this story came in SECOND in the writing contest back last month!! (giggles and is wearing her vr teeshirt as she types:)



seeing DS partially thru someone elses eyes .. made me see things that as its AUTHOR .. i wasnt noticing .. and gave me SO MANY wonderful ideas for the progression of the story .. the characters, and the WAY its going to be written..



Thank You Neil :)

i hate 99% lol



but check those pages viewed *giggles wickedly*



Welcome KamarillaKaine



Your Status:

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[ Update Your Status ]

to just PULL UP HERE like nothing had ever happened?



do you UNDERSTAND how lucky you are to have left here with your BALLS STILL ATTATCHED to your WORTHLESS fucking CROTCH ???



GAWd what some fucking gall ...



heres something i will never tell you to your face...

because you GAVE UP THE RIGHT TO KNOW it ... long ago ....



for a split second... when i realized it was you ... when you stepped in front of those headlights and it was OBVIOUS it was you ... for a split second ... i wanted to touch you ...... to reach out and lay my hand on your face like i used to .. in the cold night air i could almost feel the heat of your skin on my hand and i never even raised it ....



and then .. in that same split second ...

i heard your voice.. the night you told me i was nothing to you any more. that you were BORED WITH ME and it was time for me to leave ...



i saw the cold look on your face when you told me to just stop crying and leave ..



i felt the NOTHING coming from your heart ...



and i didnt reach out and touch you .... did you notice that i stepped back ??



what did you think when i YELLED for your FRIEND "HE CANT STAY HERE!!'



WHAT THE FUCK were you thinking .... having someone DROP YOU OFF HERE like everything was hunky dorey ???



i know...

i have been that weak in the past ..

but no more.. not where YOU are concerned at least ...



has it happened for you yet??

have you hit the point where you realized wtf you threw away?



is that why you kept saying I JUST WANNA TALK ...?



as i recall ...

the last thing i said to you of any substance was that i NEVER wanted to see you again until you GREW THE FUCK UP And was capable of giving me what i needed ...



do you remember that morning ??

your birthday .. after that HORRIBLE HORRIBLE night ... when you treated me worse than EVER..



i remember what YOU said

"I KNOW some day i will regret this .... you are a wonderful woman and i KNOW i wil wish i hadnt done things the way i have...."



i hope you DO regret it

i hope it fucking HURTS

i hope you feel even WORSE THAN I DID ...



i hope YOU think about killing yourself because YOU feel worthless



i hope you go FUCKING CRAZY trying to figure out what you did wrong and why you arent good enough



and i hope you get the BALLS to come back here and ask me .. cuz i REALLY want to tell you what a FUCK UP YOU REALLY ARE... and how much i fucking HATE YOU NOW



HOLY FUCK it felt good to say that ...

i HATE YOU

I HATE YOU

I HATE YOU !!!!

you STUPID FUCK!!!

do you KNOW how close you came to TOTALY destroying me ????????



and WHY DIDNT YOU CARE !??!?!?!?!!??!?!?



even a LITTLE would have meant SOMETHING!!



well guess what fucktard....

its too late

way too late



you gave up ALL RIGHT to give a fuck now...



im boring remember ??

im nothing

remember that next time it crosses your mind to try to see me ..

im NOTHING

and i HAVE NOTHING FOR YOU

except

cold

hard

hatred

as cold and hard as your heart was

when i needed you to love me



fuck you

let me say that again too .....

FUCK YOU

as tired as i was earlier .. i find myself QUITE unable to sleep now.. i guess the little bit of sleep i got was all i needed? .. yeah right lmao



so journal tonight me and my dad and my two youngest daughters and my lil cousin AVA (YAY ITS TWACEE !! LOOK I SEE HER!!!) (hahahha).. went to my Nannys for supper . damn it was good .. that was hours ago and i still feel like i just ate lol



it was nice to be with him and not have to worry about the bitching ... he wouldnt do that un front of the kids . TOMORROW is when that will come i am sure .. though he does have alot to do to get ready for his trip to Wyoming ... and i HATE to say this but THANK GAWD he is leaving Saturday



i really should try to go to sleep... i am actually thinking about taking a sleeping pill . and you KNOW i hate that journal ...



i think i will put up .... the first re-write i did on the prologue to DARK SAVIOR ...

its still not where i would like it to be .,,, but it feels a little better than the first rough draft.. sometimes i think it needs to be a lil longer. but then it IS just the prologue ...

i dunno ...



okay

gonna run do that and then i guess i will try to hit the sack ... um .. couch :)







night journal

hard to believe its already Nov !

first lemme say HAPPY BDAY to my VR SON... the illustrious RAZR :) i hope you have a great day Hun :)



now ... journal .. as you may recall .. i have bitched and stressed over the impending return of my dad .. and then i was given what i thought wasa stay of execution when he found out he WASNT gonna have time to get home before the next job .. well .. scratch that .. he left PENN yesterday headed this way ... he may be at his house as i type.. a mile down the road..



my guts are in a knot... feels like i swallowed a lit torch .. gee think i have an ulcer? lol



and as you now journal dear ... him being home means on time online during the day . because as you ALSO so .. the internet is the work of the devil and anyone that has it is just trash ... lol as far as my dad is concerned ... so i dont let him know i have it .... *sigh* ... i feel like a teenager hiding the fact that i smoke (oh wait i did that TOO hahhahah)



but to keep the peace and lessen the ... DISCONTENT to say the least.... the lie is needed ..



just my luck that his homecoming would come on the heels of my five day self imposed acidental SECLUSION from the internet huh?? lol



ya know the old saying ... if it werent for bad luck i'd have no luck at all . yup .. that was just for me lol



aaahhhh .. i hear a friend of mines "typing" resounding in my ear " I DONT BELIEVE IN LUCK" ..



okat then .. my destiny is really FUCKED UP hahha



oh wait .. he doesnt believe in that either . sheeshh nevermind lol



UGH its getting very close to the time i expect him to come rolling up in my yard ... i really wish i didnt straight up DREAD seeing my own father... and i really wish ... seeing me .. didnt disappoint HIM so ..



see yah when i can journal ...